Thoughts from a bum wiper…

First of all, this has been a great month for me. When we had our reunion I had no idea that being with you would give me so much resolve in my life. That day at City Creek when we sat and chatted was a huge eye opener for me. When Julie asked what it was that made me get to that point in my life and I responded with, “Rejection” it was as if a huge weight was taken off of my shoulders. I had not been able to pin point what was the cause of my feelings. Then once we had talked it all came together. I realized that I had been rejected in the three main areas of life; school (rejection after rejection from nursing school), dating (many failed relationships, feeling unwanted, and feeling like I was too old for kids and just in despair about it all), and work (applying to multiple jobs within my employer and not being able to transfer and trying to figure out even if I wanted to do nursing).

Now that I have been able to pin point all of this, it has definitely helped me to feel better and to feel like me again. Granted, I have my hard days like anyone does. But for the most part it has been nice to find myself again. I’ve had some time to think about all of this and it comes in perfect timing with this project we have started.

Spiritual: As you all know, the spiritual aspect of my life has been lacking. I have been doing the little things to try and get myself back to where I want to be. I know that I am a Daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who loves me. I know that He knows me best and He knows what I need, when I need it. I know that Faith, Hope, and Trust are all essential to the gospel. They are the foundations that we need to have in order to survive this life. Right now I am rebuilding those foundations. A few weeks ago, my Dad reminded me that the Boise Temple would be opening soon. My parents are aware of how I have been feeling and what has been going on in my life. So my Dad reminded me in his fatherly tone, “You know, it only takes 3 months to become temple worthy again.” And so that has become my goal. Not that I am not temple worthy per say. But I need to become temple worthy in my heart, which is what I am working on because we all know how much I love the temple. The reopening of the Boise Temple will make a huge difference in my life and give me the peace that I am searching for.

Physical: This is that area that I have always been insecure about. I have been my whole life. I go through phases where I think I have it in me to really make the changes and try to eat healthy and exercise. But in the long run, I cave and screw up the entire diet and then I just stop the whole diet process. Ultimately I need to make the decision and really actually go for it. Or I need to become secure with who I am physically. This part of me is probably the most insecure and where I need to work on the most. But until I am totally on board there is nothing I can do. So I suppose I have some decisions to make in this area of my life!

Mental: The other day, I found myself having negative thoughts running through my head about myself. The second I realized it, I stopped myself and told myself the opposite of each of the negative thoughts. In my opinion your mental and emotional health go hand in hand. I need to constantly remind myself of my worth. Once I believe that again, I think that my emotional health will be much better as well.

Social: Because of all of the emotional insecurities, I have kind of become a social recluse. I have had no desire to reach out to others or to attempt to make new friends. I keep getting callings that force me to have to meet new people. So I suppose this is the Lord’s way of forcing me to become social yet again. I find this difficult to do because of how insecure I feel about myself and because I feel so unstable emotionally I don’t feel like I can help anyone else out with their burdens. I don’t feel “strong enough” to help others. But I guess I just need to accept it and know that it is what I need to do.

Earlier this month, I did do something that stretched me. As all of you know, there was a boy (Corbin) that I was “hanging out with” a lot. Things were very complicated between us. I was to the point where I couldn’t take the confusion and needed some clarification.  Long story short, in the midst of me discovering this, I found out that while he was still “hanging out” with me he was actually technically dating someone else. This other person was also a friend of mine who I had confided in about Corbin. Learning about their relationship crushed me. I have never felt as betrayed as I did at that point. It was at then that I told Corbin that he could not be a part of my life anymore. I have never told someone that they could not be in my life and to please stop contacting me. So doing this was very difficult for me. It will take some time for me to forgive them and to not feel the hurt and pain inside. But I know that it was the right thing for me to do.

I have written some of my most personal and deep thoughts here on this blog. I know that this is a safe zone for us all. But actually writing them down and reading them has definitely been an eye opener. I know that there are so many things I need to be working on. Thank you for loving me and for being such great examples to me. Having all of you in my life is one of the greatest blessings I could ask for. I love you all!